you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
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