half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
