I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
