I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
