i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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