I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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