Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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