I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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