dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
