When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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