You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
