Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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