Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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