I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
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