i don't like sucking hair
Just fell off a train. Bad.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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