Whod you bang
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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