how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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