I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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