My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
