if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
