sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I wish I could teleport
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
