My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
The air taste purple.
Randomize
