I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
