Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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