my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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