She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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