How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize