Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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