Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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