Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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