If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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