Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
