i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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