I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
