I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize