She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
