my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
