just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I cockslap morals
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
