I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
