I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
soo... how was my night?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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