I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
