I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
