My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
