my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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