I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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