I heard we made out
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
