God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
