The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
