Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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