I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
