I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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