He uses pillows to masturbate.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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