Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize