Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize