Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Oh god it's open bar.
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