Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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