When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
