Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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