Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The power of my boobs compel you
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
