just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
