Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
