dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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