And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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