this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
