she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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